college

I was four years old the day I first saw my grandfather cry. In my mind, it was a beautiful day. My mother had just put us all down for a nap when there was pounding at the front door. I heard my grandfather growl at my mother,"This doesn't concern you. Just back off!"

"Well, you got away with not taking your nap this time Sister. Tomorrow you are going back to your routine without a fight. Got it?" I got it all right. Today was going to be my big day. I was skipping my nap and getting a ride in Pepe's car. Two things that I was told I would never do in the same afternoon made for a memorable day.

I skipped all the way to the car holding Pepe's hand. As far as I was concerned, he was rescuing me. "Thanks for taking me away, Pepe.", I said in time with my skip. "Huh", he said a little more gruffly than he intended," I am not taking you away. We are going to work something out that has been a long time coming." My four year old brain did not understand what he was talking about. I continued smiling and got into Pepe's car.

As he buckled my seat belt I felt something wet hit my arm. I looked up to see where it came from and saw my grandfather's face. So many years later, I remember it clearly. His face was tan, wrinkled and roughened with time. The tears flowed through aqua-ducts made by the deep wrinkles of his face. I touched his face and traced the tracks of his tears with my tiny finger. His face felt different from my father's. His stubble was light and coarse. His skin was taut like leather. I sensed his mystery.

"Pepe, are you hurt?" The tears rolled from his eyes and nose. He gasped to get a breath. Then again trying to get a grip. He needed to refill his lungs before he could speak. He sniffed and turned away to mop his face with the sleeve of his jacket. Unable to form words, he walked around the front of the car to the driver's side. Taking his time, he got in.

I continued to ask questions. " Just stop talking. Just stop, okay? We are going to talk to some friends of mine. I need you to help me. No talking. Just do as I say."

The car ride seemed to take forever. With so many unknowns and a no talking rule, I really didn't know what to think. At last the car stopped. The trip from Merrimac, to Carew to Newberry to State took a whole eight minutes. I thought I would die. Once out of the car I asked if it would be okay to talk now. Pepe said,"Yes, but only until we get into the building." I exploded with four year old girl chatter. "Who is that statue of over there? Who is Mary? Do I know her? Why is her statue all white? That building is so big, right Pepe? I can skip really well. If Mary Statue could move her legs, I bet she could skip really well, right Pepe?" Shaking his head with a sigh of adoration, my grandfather told me to be quiet. He tried to flatten my matted hair with his hand and get me presentable. He did the once over, smiled bleakly and tied my shoes.

"Alright. It is time to go in. Remember, no talking. Whatever you hear, no talking." I nodded my head. It was serious business.

We walked up the steps and into the door with quiet church feet. It was not a church. The place was so beautiful, it might have been a palace. I wondered inside my head, remembering the no talking rule, could this be the house of a princess? Maybe I am special like Snow White. I decided to be quiet and act like a princess. I smiled and nodded at the adults who greeted me.

While I was keeping myself contained, my grandfather could not. His voice caused an echo which made the veiled lady pull him into a room made of tained glass wall. I tried to enter but was shooed away. Pepe sat in a chair in a frenzied state. People began to surround him trying to get him to hush. Pepe could not calm down. He got loud again. The veiled lady picked up a phone and called someone to help. Then she came to me and ordered me to go with the girls upstairs.

The girls were big like grown ups but they said they were only teenagers. The carpets were oriental and the walls were of lacquered wood. There were portraits on the walls with golden frames. Windows were draped with blood red velvet drapes. The girls told me not to touch anything. As Pepe's voice became smaller, I asked in a small princess voice if I could talk. They laughed and said they were just being quiet until they got upstairs. I laughed too, just to be like them.

Upstairs there was a long hallway with more beautiful rugs and lots of doors. I had never seen anything like it. We entered a room that was enormous. It was a dorm room with three beds and big girls with books. " Hi Gals! I like how you princesses live.", I said trying to fit in. The three looked at the girls who brought me in and asked,"Who is she? Where did she come from?" They could not answer. Their sister just told them to take me upstairs.

Upstairs I ran and played. My excitement could not be contained. The girls gave me candy, read me stories,played hide and seek and chased me in a tickle fight. As a grand finale we slid on our bums down the carpeted staircase. Mid laugh I paused looking up. "Why is there a painting of my Daddy up there?" The girls told me that I was mistaken, that man died a long time ago. He is the man that the building is named after. " He looks like a king. Is this place a castle?" No, they answered. They told me that this was a college campus and this building was where the girls sleep at night. Confused, I continued to slide down the stairs.

Scooped up by my grandfather at the bottom of the stairs, we left the castle. On our walk to the car I noticed a change in my grandfather. His stance was stronger, chest filled with air, his eyes filled with determination. He made a barely audible snuff like a dog that just left a fight. He held my hand with pride and told me," Well kid, it looks like you'll be going to college." I replied," What is college?"
"College is right here. This place is your college. It will be waiting for you when you grow up."

That night I went to bed without a fight. My heart was full, knowing that I was very special. When I grew up, I would become a princess. My castle was already waiting for me.

Puzzle Pieces

I knew my father’s adoptive parents for the first 8 years of my life. Limited by the understandings of a child, I could only know them on one level, Meme and Pep.
They were my grandparents. They adored me as their first grandchild. Hanging upon all of my firsts, my words and my little world,they knew me completely. There was so much I never knew about them.

A child may never know their grandparents or for that matter parents. Parents, having lived decades of life before seeing the face of their children, are a source of mystery. Curiosity and the adolescent belief, to know one is to know one’s ancestors, will draw out desires of knowing the past. Curiosity is what cements the relationship between grandchild and grandparent. Storytelling at the dinner table or around a camp fire is the age old link between generations. Grandparents hold the seat of honor because they hold all the keys. Their keys unlock a hidden past, an intimate knowledge, the mystery of the parent because grandparents knew your parents from their beginnings.

What happens to the child whose grandparents became ghosts before the stories could be told? Usually the story will die with the storyteller. But sometimes, a ghost will return from the past with momentum to tell their story. Because as in physics when you suppress a beach ball under water, the moment you let go the ball will surface. At some point a secret that is suppressed will be brought to light. It is only a matter of time before all is revealed.

This is my story of remembrances, research and ghosts. My mystery, my family history, has been given to me in puzzle pieces. Try as I might, I have not been able to piece them together. I would like to start at their beginning. Not knowing that piece, I can only begin with my own beginning, the first piece.